Holy Shit That Was A Close One

                   Holy Sh*t That Was A Close One

 Okay, so at one point in our lives, we all had to grow up and face the noise of being a teenager. Do you remember being a teenager? Oh, shit! I sure do. This story is all about one of those moments when I realized that I was getting old, and by that I mean a teenager. 

When I was growing up, I lived with my grandparents; my mom's parents. And they lived in a little Ukrainian country town called Two Hills. 

Now, Two Hills maybe had a population of about 3000 people. Now, in Two Hills there were no black people, and not too many native people lived in Two Hills, but myself. I am native too by the way. My dad's side. 

So, being a teenager in Two Hills was not the most exciting place to be. Nothing to do. There was a movie theatre but it closed down in the early 90s. 

After that, there was nothing to do for us. Oh, there was a pool hall, but that was closed too. Like in the late 80's I think. Early 90's even. But I never got to experience the pool hall because I was not old enough and that wasn't a lot of fun either unless you learned to play pinball or pool, Mr. Pac-Man. And back then, a lot of girls only hung out there because the boys were so cool, and they smoked some had fast old cars and some were the bad boys and girls got hot for those boys. 

Not me. I was way too young and eventually, I had more male friends than female friends. I played hockey on an all-boys team. I dirt biked, and I rode a skateboard. I liked to get dirty and mess around with cars like the boys. 

I liked to play pinball, it was my favorite game. I got so good that nobody could beat me and my score stayed at the number one spot for many years. 

One day, I was pinball and this new kid came into the pool hall wearing these shades, smoking, and wearing these tight blue jeans. He had this rock concert t-shirt on that said "Rolling Stones" and this smile that would make any girl; a normal, good girl I mean, just faint that he was so cute. 

I saw him, yay, big deal. Another stupid boy coming to school in the fall. I didn't have time for boys in that way until this kid came to town. I was just like the boys, and this kid put me back into a girly seat. 

I tried to ignore this kid and the more I did, the more he tried to get my attention. I couldn't mess up my pinball game. I could play on a quarter for hours. 

He finally came over to the pinball machine and lay down his quarter. I laughed and continued my game. He turns around and asks me if something was funny about what he just did.

I said to this cool kid, "hell yea. Lay a quarter down." And he says, "why is that funny to you?" Well, he didn't know the champ was on this machine until almost closing time. Needed time to sneak away and have a smoke before heading home. 

I continued to play and I knew this kid was getting restless and bored, so I asked him, "hey, do you want to play?" "Yes," he says. "I have been waiting here for hours. How much money did you put into play?" I tell him, "only a quarter man." He laughs and tells me that I have to be bullshitting him. "No," I say. "I have $5 to spend in here a week and I play only a quarter per day so I have enough to buy a 20-pack of smokes and a bottle of Coke cola and licorice." 

He couldn't believe me. He goes up to Mr. Hall who owned the pool hall and asked him about me. 

I saw Mr. Hall laugh at the kid a few times and shake his head, and laugh some more. I was thinking what the hell Mr. Hall was laughing about so hard, 

Then the kid walks back over to me and says, "So, I hear that you're the top dog for this machine." I tell him, "You better believe it kid."

He laughs and tells me, "I will buy you a Coke and a bag of popcorn if you let me play at least my quarter." I look at him and say, "Sure, you got a deal."

The kid smiles and grabs everything he promised me and then some. He took the table and I watched him play. He had the best moves, his hips dancing all around the front of the machine, and hitting those bumper pads like nothing. He was suddenly looking really different. He was starting to look really good. 

I sat there watching and snacking when Mr. Hall walks over to me and tells me, "so, this boy you like?" I turn to him and tell him, "no way." Mr. Hall laughs at me and the kid turns his head to see what the hell was with everyone laughing around him? He continues to play, and then I said to this kid after he missed a great bank shot, "ohhhh, shit. Even a girl could hit that bumper, no problem." 

The kid laughs and turns to me, when he was turning to me, his ball was still in play and it went through when he turned, and didn't see it come back down and go. GAME OVER! 

The kid walks over to me and whispers in my ear, "Us girls should really stick together." And walks away, out the door and got on her bike, and took off before I could even reply to that comment.

How the hell was that possible? That could not be a girl. They were cute and boyish. He couldn't be a girl. NO, FUCKING WAY, WAS THAT A GIRL. had the right moves like a boy and the tone in his voice. His facial features didn't look like a girl's. He even had some stubble on his face. That was some kind of joke I thought. 

Mr. Hall comes over to me and says that my face just got white and it looked like I was going to cry or something. 

But, I tell Mr. Hall and he says to me. "Well, maybe try out the carpet and see if you enjoy the magic carpet, and if I don't that there are enough boys in Two Hills that should make a girl happy."

I was so confused about this carpet thing and I had to ask someone about it. I couldn't let anyone at the pool hall know I was a virgin and that I had never been with a woman. 

Venus, what are you thinking? What would it be like to be with a girl? Probably, just like me, and would I freak out? Would I know what to do with another woman? 

I am not even gay. And I actually was thinking about it for a long while. 

When I finally got home that evening, my Baba was sitting in her chair and knitting as usual, and I had to ask her a couple of things. 

So, I start by telling her that there is a new kid in town. She says to me, that's good, they moved into Mr. and Mrs. Plaska's house. The mother works at the hospital and the dad is some kind of oil rig mechanic. And they have a daughter. 

I didn't say a word to my Baba, and my face just turns red and I had to ask her something, but then I open my BIG YAP and said, "well, that's just dandy." The girl looks like a boy and I thought he was cute. Then I asked my Baba, what was carpet munching mean. 

She almost fell out of her rocking chair. and looked at me with this horrible look and I could feel that cold creeping into the room. 

"What did you just say?" My Baba comments. "I don't think it's a good idea to talk about this right now." 

But, I had to ask her, again. "What does someone have to do to do this with someone else?" By this time, my grandparents get the company. 

These people were a priest and his wife. The priest would go fishing with my grandfather, and the priest baptized me when I was born, so he was almost family. Kind of. 

Well, I was watching a movie in my room at this time and waiting for dinner. My grandfather comes home from work and I usually call him to show him this cool movie I found I had to tell him that the western I was watching was his favorite, But instead, I yelled down the hallway that I had this cool old movie he could watch later and that I had to tell him the funniest thing that happened today. 

That was the start of something terrible. I didn't know the priest and his wife came over and they were in the kitchen with my grandmother. When my grandfather came home, he sat down in the kitchen to talk with them. I thought it was just us in the house. 

I yell down the hallway, "Hey guys, I know you're talking about me and what I asked Baba. I just want to make things clear. I am not a carpet muncher. I like boys."

Holy shit, when my grandmother came busting into my room, I thought she was going to kill me. My grandfather was right behind her. They both came busting into my room and telling me that they have company and the company didn't need to know this and the company was the priest and his wife. 

I start to laugh and I mean really laugh out loud. I had tears in my eyes. My grandparents didn't think it was that funny, But I sure did.

 I just didn't say that.....